Lance’s Rants: Childfree Men Unite!

You know what really grinds my gears? Kids.

Meme courtesy of

Hello brave reader and welcome to Lance’s Rants. My goal with these entries is to be a male voice in the childfree discussion; a view that seems underrepresented to me.

In spite of the title I won’t be ranting all the time. Sometimes I’ll attempt to be informative. Sometimes I’ll be funny – at least to me.

My ultimate goal is to draw more men into the discussion. Hopefully those of you out there in childfree relationships with men will encourage them to become involved and to be heard.

Where Are the Childfree Men?

Anywho, let’s get started …where are all the childfree men? If you peruse the online childfree universe it certainly seems dominated by women. Empirically, w{n}hab!’s Facebook following is 85% women.

Why is this? I believe that there are a number of contributing factors, but primarily it comes down to this: women have more skin in this game:

  • Women bear many more costs than men do from the discomforts, inconveniences, and pains of pregnancy and childbirth; Pregnancy can irreparably damage a woman’s body
  • Women (still) do a disproportionate amount of the child rearing compared to men
  • Women experience significantly more societal pressure to have children than men do; Women are directly or indirectly stigmatized when they don’t have or want children

Let’s assume I’m right for a couple of seconds. If so, it seems obvious that women would be more engaged in childfree discussion and advocacy.

Childfree Men Stand Up!

Even if women have more skin in the game, I still think that committed childfree men need to be more engaged if only selfishly. For example, one reason I’m here is because many of our long-term friends are now parents …and now we’re no longer priorities for them.

While I don’t like it, I don’t hold this against our friends. Frankly, if you choose to be a parent, your priorities should change to a degree. However, ‘losing’ your friends to their children gets old. At this point in my life I want to establish friendships with people that share my decision to be childfree.

So, childfree men, I encourage you to get involved. If you are in a committed relationship you should be supportive of your significant other. If you’re single I’m guessing this is great place to meet chicks. 🙂 For all of you men, the childfree community is a great place to meet like-minded people with the chance to create new and lasting relationships.


11 Responses to Lance’s Rants: Childfree Men Unite!

  1. Penny Anne July 12, 2014 at 3:13 pm #

    “When you have a child, you suddenly realize, that it’s no longer all about you….” – we’ve all heard that one. My gut reaction to hearing it the first time was “When the hell has it ever been all about me? Hmmm, how about starting now!” I’d grown up trying to please my mom who never made any secret about the fact that she considered having kids to have been the worst mistake of her life. When I told her as a teenager that I didn’t think I’d have kids she was incredulous and said “You’ll change your mind” and she all but disowned me when it became clear I was never going to. She’ll probably leave everything to my two fecund siblings leaving me high and dry. To hell with her. At least, my life is still all about me.

  2. ct childfree July 30, 2013 at 3:52 pm #

    I’m happily childfree… Not only that, my childfree mindset cost me my relationship/marriage of over a decade when she “changed her mind,” crying to me that if I really loved her I’d give her the baby she wanted….

    I’d like to know where all the childfree women are myself, since everyone I meet has a brood attached to them and think I’m a monster because I don’t want any…

    • Jack White August 7, 2013 at 5:06 am #

      Good for you for not caving in to her! I wonder what would have been next on her “I’m gonna cry if I don’t get what I want” list. Undoubtedly kids would have made this manipulative behaviour 1000x worse

    • Lance August 7, 2013 at 3:15 pm #

      Sorry to hear that ct childfree. People do change their minds about things…better for you that you didn’t give into something that you could never be ok with.

    • Tim in San Francisco August 14, 2013 at 12:51 am #

      I just broke up with my girlfriend of 3 years because, when we first got together, I thought I might want a child, but wasn’t so sure; like Lance, I thought, when younger, “someday I’ll have a family”, but never really thought how that would be or if it was something that I wanted. I just thought “If I meet the right woman, someone I want to have kids with, then I will”.

      Well, my ex-girlfriend wanted kids. And I had to decide, as things got more serious and we were considering moving in together, if I wanted them too. I thought and thought and thought, and decided (after much thinking, and discussion with many’s the wise person I know) that… I could do it, but “I could do it” isn’t enough of a desire to be fair to the kids, the potential mother, and to myself.

      Plus, I’m almost 50 years old (she’s late 30s), and the thought of spending the next 20 years of my life raising kids (and of course, until I die, since one never stops being a parent) just felt overwhelmingly scary and somewhat prison-sentence-like.

      So we broke up, because she absolutely wants kids.

      It’s quite sad.

      But I agree with ‘ct childfree’ – where are these “women who don’t want kids”? I know a few, but I’d say 99% of women I’ve met want them, and 75% of them want them with a PASSION!

      – Tim

      • I’ve been wondering too how childfree singles meet other like-minded individuals, Tim. Lance and I have friends who have lamented the very same thing. We just posed this very question to our followers on FB and Twitter. Perhaps they’ll have some insight!

        • Amy August 19, 2013 at 2:31 pm #

          An answer to your question, Tim! Look what just launched:

        • WB November 13, 2013 at 7:53 am #

          I think it’s also hard to meet childfree people regardless of if they are single or not. My friends are slowly dropping off the radar as they fall pregnant and enter a very different life. They all make friends through their kids (of course, they have a lot in common). So I think it just makes it harder to meet people who have also chosen childree.
          But still, I don’t regret my choices!

      • claudia June 10, 2015 at 10:05 am #

        tim we exist and are out there!!!


  1. Childfree - Read All About It! (Non)Representations Childfree Men in the News - October 23, 2014

    […] is a question my fearless collaborator and husband Lance has asked. Writer Amanda Marcotte asked it too. Childfree dating sites optimistically assumed childfree […]

  2. we're {not} having a baby! Childfree Decision - A Guy's Perspective > childfree by choicewe're {not} having a baby! - August 6, 2013

    […] Since I’ve become more involved in the childfree – dare I say? – movement, one thing is glaringly clear to me; There are a lot more women invested in this thing than men. Like way more. Like really, really, way, way more. I have a few theories on this…which you can read here. […]

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